Preparation for Dating: A Quick Checklist

By Victor W. Harris, MS


Dating can be a great way of making new friends and an important avenue toward helping us understand ourselves from another person's perspective. Dating can also help us learn to receive and to give emotional support while learning how to interact with others and earn their respect. Researchers have found that dating relationships that tend to last and lead to marriage are based on the development of friendships with common values and interests. Since relationships that tend to last are based on the ability to develop these friendships, take stock of yourself with the following checklist of dating and friendship making skills:

 

  1. Can I be myself?
  2. Am I a positive person?
  3. Can I begin a conversation?
  4. Can I keep a conversation moving and progressing?
  5. Am I a good listener?
  6. Can I validate others' responses?
  7. Can I talk about things others are interested in?
  8. Am I interested in what others think?
  9. Am I interested in how others feel?
  10. Am I sensitive to others' feelings?
  11. Can I disclose my thoughts to others?
  12. Can I disclose my feelings to others?
  13. Can others trust me?
  14. Have I established some dating rules based on my values and beliefs?
  15. Am I honest with myself?
  16. Am I honest with others?
  17. Can I admit when I have made a mistake?
  18. Can I apologize and say, "I'm sorry?"

 

  1. Can I be myself? The answer to this question will make or break our dating experiences. If we attempt to mask who we are, we will eventually give up the charade in frustration. We must not be afraid to show our likes and dislikes, our thoughts and our feelings. If people don't like us for who we really are, then they won't like us when we wear our mask either.
  2. Am I a positive person? People tend to gravitate toward positive people. Some researchers have found that it takes at least 5 to 1 positive to negative interactions for a relationship to remain satisfied and stable. Being positive is an individual choice we make moment to moment.
  3. Can I begin a conversation? Beginning a conversation is an important skill of communication. Beginning with generalities like "Hi. Where are you from?" or, "Do you know so and so?" are a great way to lead into a conversation.
  4. Can I keep a conversation moving and progressing? Asking open-ended questions like "What do you think about" or, "How do you feel about" is the easiest way to keep a conversation going. If the respondent can simply answer with "yes" or "no" statements, the conversation tends to become inhibited.
  5. Am I a good listener? Good listening is the most important skill in relationships. Good listeners maintain good eye contact and concentrate as they listen to the needs and emotions being expressed by others.
  6. Can I validate others' responses? Validating others' responses refers to letting others know that what they are expressing is important to us. The skills of being a good listener are crucial prerequisites, but our ability to validate specific responses with statements such as "...and how did you feel when that happened?" or, "I bet you were surprised..." will best show others that what they have to say is important.
  7. Can I talk about things others are interested in? Self-conceit, self-absorbtion, self-centeredness, and selfishness are all manifest when we can only communicate about things we are interested in. Showing an interest in what others are interested in reveals an ability to think about others.
  8. Am I interested in what others think? This kind of interest reveals an ability to appreciate another person's perspective. This skill of perspective-taking is crucial to healthy long-lasting relationships.
  9. Am I interested in how others feel? Learning to identify, accept, and understand our own feelings are important steps to being able to sincerely show an interest in how others feel (Note: For more information about this topic see Understanding Our Emotion Commotion).
  10. Am I sensitive to others' feelings? Learning to listen to, to follow, and to regulate our own emotions are important steps to being able to be sensitive to the feelings of others. A sign that we are being sensitive to others' feelings is when we experience empathy for them (Note: For more information about this topic Understanding Our Emotion Commotion).
  11. Can I disclose my thoughts to others? The ability to disclose or share our thoughts with another person or persons is the first key to the development of trust and intimacy.
  12. Can I disclose my feelings to others? The ability to disclose or share our feelings with another person or persons is the second key to the development of trust and intimacy. However, if we are not careful, it is easy to want to disclose too much too soon in a relationship which can cause others to feel pressure and develop in them a desire to want to distance themselves from the relationship. The best rule of thumb is to allow the friendship to happen naturally over time and not to try to force a relationship to be too close too soon.
  13. Can others trust me? Trust and intimacy are at the heart of every healthy, happy relationship. Intimacy is developed when couples connect intellectually, socially, emotionally, and even spiritually. Trust is developed when partners keep promises and build each other. Whenever a relationship breaks down it is because a trust or a number of trusts have been broken and they have not been repaired.
  14. Have I established some dating rules based on my values and beliefs? Regardless of what our different values and beliefs are, it is important that we evaluate them and set for ourselves some do's and don'ts for dating and courtship. If we violate our values and beliefs, we will end up resenting ourselves and our partners. This emotion of resentment indicates that a trust or a number of trusts have been broken.
  15. Am I honest with myself? When we are honest with ourselves, we don't mask how we really think or feel but we accept and understand what we need and desire as both important and valid. When we can learn to do this, we can then trust ourselves and be trusted by others.
  16. Am I honest with others? The roads to pathology, addiction, and unhappiness are paved with the perception that discovering and expressing our own needs and desires is not okay. If we will learn to say what we mean and mean what we say, then we can learn to be honest in our relationships.
  17. Can I admit when I have made a mistake? Can we look at our own behaviors and be emotionally honest with how we feel and have acted, or do we become defensive and seek to justify ourselves and our behaviors by playing the victim and subsequently blaming and accusing others? The ability to honestly look at ourselves and our behaviors and then to evaluate if we have made mistakes, is crucial to the development of trust and intimacy in long- term relationships.
  18. Can I apologize and say, "I'm sorry?" Are we the first to say we are sorry in a relationship, or do we hold out until our partner apologizes first? Our ability or lack of ability to apologize either begins or inhibits the process of repairing broken trusts.