1.      It is difficult for women to:                                                 It is difficult for men to:

         Appreciate                                                                          Care/Support (Emotional)

According to John Gray, "Problems arise when we expect another to think, feel, and behave the way we do" (p. 15). Additionally, because women tend to evaluate men's behaviors according to their own thinking, feeling, and behavioral standards, they tend to misinterpret and misunderstand a man's motivations.

Women tend to put their relationships as first priority regardless of outside pressures and stimuli, while men tend to prioritize and focus their attention toward what is most urgent. "The drawback," according to Dr. Gray, "to this kind of stress reaction is that they forget other responsibilities or attach little importance to them" (p. 16). For this reason, when a man feels stress or an urgency to focus on something other than his relationships, a woman can feel that he doesn't care and is emotionally unsupportive and, therefore, it can be difficult for her to appreciate his efforts when he does focus on her and she again becomes a priority. This frustration leads to statements like, "You never put me or the relationship first!," or "When will I and us again become a priority?"

A mutual understanding of this difference in how men and women prioritize will hopefully lead to a man and a woman establishing some common ground from which to think, feel, and act. Hopefully, this newly achieved common ground from which to operate will help them reduce some of their frustrations and resentment. This newfound common ground is the intervention for the difference between men and women in being able to appreciate and give care and support, as well as for each of the other differences mentioned below. 

  2.     It is difficult for women to:                                                 It is difficult for men to:

         Accept                                                                                Understand

When a woman expresses that she is upset, stressed, or overwhelmed, a man tends to try to nurture her by attempting to help her solve the problem. After all, according to the way a man thinks, feels, and behaves, if he is upset by something, solving the problem will reduce the frustration. Unfortunately, the man doesn't understand that, according to the way a woman thinks, feels, and behaves, she just needs to unwind, to share her complaints, and to be listened to before she explores any of these problem-solving options, if at all. When a man attempts to again focus on a woman as his priority, it can be difficult for her to accept the interest he is now showing her as being sincere. It is also difficult for her to accept his explanation for this shift in his focus and attention to something more urgent. In fact, most of the time, the man doesn't understand, or isn't even aware, that he has made such a shift in his priorities. Therefore, according to the way he thinks, feels, and behaves, he wonders why she can be so upset or hurt. 

 3.      It is difficult for women to:                                                 It is difficult for men to:

         Trust                                                                                   Respect

According to Dr. Gray, "When an upset woman shares her feelings, it is as though she is emptying the contents of her purse. She needs time to clean out that purse without being judged for having so much in it, or for not knowing exactly what and how much she has inside...When it is all out, she will feel much lighter..." (pp. 115-16). If a man attempts to help a woman solve her problems before she empties her emotional purse, or if his focus moves to something else more urgent before she is able to completely empty its contents, the woman feels frustrated and it is difficult for her to trust that the man will be there for her the next time she needs to vent and to be cared for.

 4.      It is difficult for women to:                                                 It is difficult for men to:

         Not Keep Score and Resent                                                 Maintain Giving

Because men are urgency focused, they tend to get lazy in their relationships. They assume because they have given to the relationship and that their partner currently feels satisfied and fulfilled that they can then focus on other more pressing matters. When this happens, a woman begins to feel neglected.

Women, on the other hand, tend to give and to keep giving in their relationships expecting that their partners will continue to keep giving in return. When their partners become distracted by other pressing matters and, therefore, don't reciprocate the giving, women begin to keep score and to resent. According to John Gray, "The logic of this common male weakness sounds like this: 'If she makes certain sacrifices for me, I must have already done something to deserve it, so I can relax and receive for a while. If I am receiving more, then I don't need to give more, I can give less'" (p. 25).

During this common cycle, the man loses the woman's appreciation and acceptance while the woman experiences increased resentment. A cycle of blame, accusation, defensiveness, and victimization then ensues. 

 5.      It is difficult for women to:                                                 It is difficult for men to:

Because women are generally more perceptive and aware in their relationships, they tend to expect men to be more aware and perceptive, as well. Unfortunately, this is generally not the case. For this reason, unless women become skilled at congruent communication (i.e., to say what you mean and mean what you say), they will begin to feel that their needs are not being met. It is not that men do not want to help them meet their needs, but the fact of the matter is that men are generally socialized to congruently communicate what they need and not to expect others to read their minds.
If a man is not sensitive and careful, however, when a woman begins to explore and express her needs, he may invalidate her or attempt to solve what he perceives as the problem so that she will not trust him to explore and express her needs to him in the future. To validate another person, according to Gary Lundberg, we must:

1.       Listen by giving full attention.

2.       Listen to the emotions being expressed.

3.       Listen to the needs being expressed.

4.       Understand from the other person's point of view. 

 6.      It is difficult for women to:                                                 It is difficult for men to:

         Not Mind Read                                                                    Communicate Effectively

According to John Gray, "there are four keys to creating mutually supportive and rewarding relationships" (p. 31):

1.       Purposeful Communication - Communicating with the intent to understand and be understood.

2.       Right Understanding - Understanding, appreciating, and respecting our differences.

3.       Giving Up Judgments - Releasing negative judgments of ourselves and others.

4.       Accepting Responsibility - Taking equal responsibility for what you get from the relationship and practicing forgiveness.

To mind read is to assume intentions, motivations, or behaviors and to attribute them to a partner without validation or confirmation that these assumptions or attributions are correct. Therefore, it is important for men to communicate their feelings and intentions so that women don't get locked into the potential trap of feeling like they have to read their minds.
An alternative perspective to the potential trap of mind reading, according to John Gottman, is that mind reading is not necessarily negative unless the emotions communicated to the listener are fraught with blame and accusation. For example, if a spouse said something like, "You tend to get stressed in that kind of a situation," with a kind and empathetic tone of voice, the partner might respond with, "Yes I really do. I need to learn to calm down and to relax a little bit more."

 7.       It is difficult for women to:                                                 It is difficult for men to:
           Not Be Too Openly Aware                                                  Be Aware/Tunnel Vision

Men tend to be able to focus on one thing at a time and are, therefore, very task-oriented. They seem to be able to easily shut out any miscellaneous stimuli that don't pertain to what they perceive as being the most urgent task at hand. Unfortunately, this ability to focus can lead to tunnel vision and can also cause them to ignore their partners and subsequently elicit a feeling and perception of neglect.

Women, on the other hand, have the capacity to be openly aware of many different stimuli at the same time and to function effectively (i.e., multi-tasking) while taking into account these different stimuli. Because their first priority is relationships, this ability to be openly aware translates into being ever aware of the needs of others as well as being aware of the problems in the relationship. This has sometimes been called the "Barbie Syndrome." Let me explain. For Barbie to be happy, she must make sure that Ken's needs are met, that her friend Malibu Barbie is happy and that the rest of the gang is also feeling good. When this occurs, then Barbie can relax and feel good about things, as well.

The inherent trap for women who are so openly aware is that, if they are not careful, they will become so aware of the needs of others and the problems in the relationships, that they will forget to focus on their own needs and what is good about the relationship. Finding a balance is critical for a woman to feel satisfied in her relationships. According to John Gray, "This feminine awareness of a relationship's problems becomes a burden to her when he is not willing to hear and validate her awareness. When he denies the validity of her needs and perceptions, she then feels that the burden of the relationship and the family rests on her shoulders. She feels alone and unsupported. No wonder women become frustrated when men act as though everything is fine" (p.121).

Dr. Gottman's antidotes to this misuse (see 9 Important Skills for Every Relationship) are the skills of calming down, effective complaining, speaking non-defensively, validating, and over learning. In addition, learning to speak congruently (i.e., learning to say what we mean and to mean what we say)can enhance our ability to communicate effectively. Dr. Gray states this principle as follows: "Intimacy thrives on the communication of the truth" (p.32).